Control Freak

I am a control freak, I might just be a freak that likes to control EVERYTHING! And as I type those words tears come to my eyes because I have felt the disarray being this controlling has on my body, mind, spirit and family. And, it's not the kind of control that cares about what you wear or eat (I should be one of those), it's the kind that likes to control circumstances and events so that it all works out in my favor, for my purposes. It is the kind of control that puts my palm toward the Lord and says, "Hey, um, I got this . . . let me figure this one out. That way I will know what is coming down the pike. No surprises." It is ugly and lacking in faith. And when the faith is wavering so is the peace.

We are this close (can't you see my fingers?), this close to getting Sweet M. Today we were supposed to find out that her mom has definitely decided to go forward with her decision to relinquish Sweet M. She was to appear before a judge and let him know, and then we would know that this girl we have grown to love would become ours after our court date next week. But, yesterday we got a message saying the courts would be closed today (Friday) and her court appointment is rescheduled for Monday. Monday is the day we fly to Washington on the first leg of our trip to ET. Once we are on that plane to Washington, there is no plane ticket refund. Once we are on that plane we hoped to be just over the moon to be traveling together as a family to meet Sweet M. And anticipating doing a little afternoon sightseeing in Washington. I wanted to get a great night sleep on Sunday, so that I would be rested on Monday for that fun day. I wanted to be relieved and happy and carefree. Do you see how very ugly this is?? I mean how self centered and controlling. And it is ugly and not only because it is full of selfish controlling, but because it is full of fear. I cannot let go because I am scared to death of what might happen. Pretty funny since in reality I don't control it anyway. I am flat out afraid that the birth mom is going to change her mind, afraid that we are not going to meet our Sweet M (who is really not ours),  not going to bring her home to love her. I am afraid that we have thrown our hearts out there ready to love love love and we are going to be the one in however many that all the bad happens to.
Really, what I am doing is choosing not to believe. It boils down to belief. Is God's heart for me good or not? I know enough about enough to know not everything works out all of the time. You know, this throwing  my heart back out there has reignited this something inside of me that grew before in the form of another sweet girl inside of my tummy. The hopes, the excitement for a daughter. The love of a little girl. I carried her for 29 weeks before she was born and died. She had Trisomy 18. So, there is a fear that Sweet M's story will stop short of my arms. And it might. And this is where I either believe or I don't believe. It is that simple. Is God in control? Is he GOOD? Does he love me even if I never have a daughter? Does he love me? PERIOD? I mean the right answer is YES!!! The way it plays out in my daily life is "Heck no, we have been down this road before . . . I will take it from here, thank you very much."
I am realizing this for what it is right now. It is lack of belief. I can focus on all of the things that could go wrong, I can remember the pain of what has gone on wrong, or I can remember who God is and what he says and how he shows himself to me in such kind ways. I am telling you he is long suffering, this God. So, if you are still reading I am going to remember the ways God has worked and blessed. Knowing full well this portion of our journey could end in heartache and grief. But I do believe it is not the end of the story. Most of you have met my bubbly, kind-hearted 8 year old, Josiah, who was part of the story surrounding Gracie's birth and death.
Since God told us to adopt a little girl we have seen his mercies:

He made it very clear that we were to adopt.
He put people around us who have adopted other Ethiopian children. (Isn't that kinda crazy in Tyler, Texas to have so many families who have kids from ET?)
He placed on several of my friends hearts (some of whom I hardly knew) to host a dinner for us that raised a large part of our agency fees.
He used one of my best friend's business to bless our family with a chunk of change towards our adoption.
We have an envelope of beautiful notes for Sweet M that hopefully she will read one day and know how much she was prayed for and loved way before she stepped foot on American soil.

We have friends who have walked closely, prayed fervently and spoken boldly (and challenged us) into our lives regarding this adoption.
We have friends who travel to Ethiopia and the timing worked out PERFECTLY that they were able to go visit Sweet M TWO times in May. She was held, loved, and literally prayed over. She was told that she has a family who loves her, that she has a gentle father and two fun brothers and a mom who can't wait to hold her. She was given hope. (That gift was such kindness from God)
We were given very expensive shots for free from a friend who loves us and has a heart for orphans.
We have bags, medicine, Birr, pillows, shoes, more bags, a video camera (and more) that we wouldn't have if it wasn't for the kindness of friends' generosity.
We have dear friends who have prayed over us for this trip and I know they will till the end and then they will keep praying. 
We have about 100 pictures of Sweet M. (I hope I get to post them soon and tell you her real name. She is so beautiful, with a smile that will make you smile)
These (and there are more) are evidences that God is good, that he is in control, that he follows through, that he has a plan and that his ways are so much bigger and better than my measly control freak habits. Even if this all falls through and Sweet M goes back to her momma . . .is there a better place for her to be??? God will still have a plan for us. He still loves us and will care for us. He is good. I have seen it. I don't always never get it, but I can't deny that he is SOVEREIGN.
It doesn't mean I don't feel anxiety anymore, but it means that instead of freaking out (at least for the moment) I am going to remember what he says and not what I feel.
"I believe, help my unbelief"